Losing Rhett

We lost our beloved Rhett Redbone. He gave us so much love from the first day with his wonderful crooked tooth smile. Rhett you are one of a kind and we are missing you. He had a good death but heartbreaking from Lymphoma.

I learned early one of the myths of loss: "replace the loss." "Next week we will get a new dog." After my grandfather died my parents got me a pony. After another loss another dog. Often after loss or hardship, my go to was to add another animal to my crew. At one point in my life I had 3 cats (Sashie, Smokey, & Pete), 2 large dogs (Max & Loki), 2 birds (Mister and Miss), 3 fish tanks, and pair of frogs. I love my animals and learning good husbandry skills. 

Max and Loki were wonderful friends and companions for 17 years. Without them, I'm not sure I would have made through my grief journey after my immediate families deaths. Walking and caring for them kept me going. After losing Max and Loki, I began fostering dogs because I missed them. To date, I have fostered 11 dogs and have kept three: Tess, Rhett, and Rusty. After Rhett's death I started fostering again... as to keep from getting another dog, yet, give some of the love for Rhett to someone else's something special dog.

I've taken a break from working with grievers to take a breath and work on the tools I give to others for myself. In this time of great loss and grief, self-care should include evaluating the tools you have on board to be resilient.  

Rhett was beloved by all who met him especially Tess. 

If you want to follow the adventures of Tess and her pal Rusty

Instagram @contessaleia

Thank you to Creswell Veterinarian Hospital

 for all your support, advice, and shoulder to cry on.

How Falling in Love is like Owning a Dog

First of all, it’s a big responsibility,

especially in a city like New York.

So think long and hard before deciding on love.

On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:

when you’re walking down the street late at night

and you have a leash on love

ain’t no one going to mess with you.

Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.

Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.

It lies between you and lives and breathes

and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.

It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.

But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,

but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.

Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after.

Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper

and swat love on the nose,

not so much to cause pain,

just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go out for a nice long walk.

Because love loves exercise. It will run you around the block

and leave you panting, breathless. Pull you in different directions

at once, or wind itself around and around you

until you’re all wound up and you cannot move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.

People who have nothing in common but love

stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,

again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never stops.

Taylor Mali

Free 30 minute Initial Consultation for Grief Coaching

My biggest hope through my artwork and advocacy is to create more awareness on the process of grief and mourning in an avoidance culture. As a Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, I focus on unresolved grief from death, divorce, and other losses for better reconciliation. I don't want you to hold on to your broken heart or to do it alone like I did. 

_Grief Defined:_

Grief and mourning are often confused or used interchangeably. Grief is the internal feelings of loss, while mourning is the outward expression of internal grief. Grief can arise from any change in a normal pattern and is the normal, natural and PAINFUL emotional reactions to loss or change of ANY kind. 

Some examples include:

• Death 

• Divorce or end of a relationship

• Loss of a career

• Loss of trust

• Loss of faith

• Loss of safety

• Loss of health

• Loss of a sense of self or identity

• Loss from a combination of these elements

_The Problem_

For many people even though grief is normal & natural, the vast majority of what we learn in our society about dealing with loss is not normal, not natural or helpful. We learn more about how to mend a broken arm, then we do about how to support people grieving. Your feelings are normal and natural. The problem is that we have been socialized to believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural.

How I can help to heal your broken heart:

I facilitate online one-on-one 7 -1 1/5 hour-sessions on the Grief Recovery Method® Educational Program.

We will:

• Create a safe environment in which to look at old beliefs about dealing with loss

• Discover what losses have affected your life 

• Develop new tools surrounding loss

• Take new actions to move forward with unresolved losses while honoring your grief

The Grief Recovery Method® Educational Outreach Program is not an occasional, drop-in support group. For the safety and success of all participants, commitment and attendance is essential. 

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The fee for the online one-on-one 7 -1 1/2 hours sessions is $1,000. 

                                    until the end of December - Pay what you can afford.

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- Sign up for a free 30 minute Initial Consultation for grief coaching.

In this call or zoom meetup, we will be talking specifically about what you have been through, how it is impacting you, and whether we are a good fit for the Grief Recovery Method program and/or any of my art & grief workshops.

I'll be here went you are ready.

Beth

Transforming conflict and loss through creativity & collaboration 

Myths about Grief - Twelve Labors of Hercules

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules Killing the Lernean Hydra

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

I got some notes wondering what working with me, art, and grief might look like. I thought I would share one of my biggest Aha's with grief. Before I begin, I want to say I am not a clinical therapist and any of the tools I bring up are for educational purposes only. You might be reading this because you are struggling with grief and I hope this gives you an idea how I work with my own and how I can work with you.

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end or any change in a normal pattern.  It is the normal, natural and PAINFUL emotional reactions to loss or change of ANY kind. While mourning is the ability to externally express this loss. A person can experience multiple losses over the course of a lifetime, such as: a death, a move, an illness, disability and many others. This can include happy things like a marriage, graduation or new job. Largely it is a loss of some aspect of self or identity. The Wall Street Journal reported in 2002, our avoidance of grief and the conflicts it creates costs U.S. companies more than $75 billion annually.

Grief and mourning are a process and a unique journey. 

There is no quick fix. Creating a new sense of self often involves experimenting a bit. Looking at examples from art history can sharpen the inherent ability to “see” as humans while unlocking our potential for change. Linking the eye, hand, heart and head can provide discovery. While understanding the key to recovery from unresolved grief is action.

Myths about Grief - from the The Grief Recovery Method®

1.Time heals. 

Time does not heal, action within time does. People have waited 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years to feel better.

2. Grieve alone. 

Often this advice is subtly implied,“Give your mom her space” or “He just needs a few minutes alone in the other room.” A societal norm is that sad feelings should be hidden or experienced alone.

3. Be strong. 

Usually the Griever is asked to be strong for others. “You have to be strong for your... [e.g. wife]” or “Be strong for your children.” “Pull up your boot straps."

4. Don’t feel bad. 

This is usually followed by an intellectually true statement but is not helpful at all to the Griever, “Don’t feel bad, his suffering is over.” or “Don’t feel bad, at least you knew her as long as you did.”

5. Replace the loss. 

This is common with pet loss or the end of a romantic relationship. “On Tuesday we’ll get you a new dog” or “There are plenty of fish in the sea. You just have to get out there and date again.” Most likely there has been no action taken to grieve over the loss of the pet or relationship, just an attempt at not feeling the emotions attached to the loss.

6. Keep busy.

“If I just keep busy then I won’t have time to think about the loss.” Many people spend their whole lives with this mentality and never get a chance to grieve and complete what was unresolved with loss. Mostly, they are left even more tired.

None of these ideas lead us to the actions of discovering and completing the unfinished emotions that accrue in all losses.

After I learned about these myths, the images from art history of Hercules working through the the Twelve Labors came to my mind. The Twelve Labors of Hercules are: killing Lernaean Hydra, wrestling with Nemean Lion, destroying the Ceryneian Hind, killing the Erymanthian Boar, capturing the Stymphalian Birds, taking down the Cretan Bull, stealing the Mares of Diomedes, finding the Girdle of Hippolyta, releasing the Cattle of Geryon, collecting the Apples of the Hesperides, dragging Cerberus from the underworld, and the humiliation at the The Stables of Augeas. At times in my grief, I felt like I was wrestling a lion, a Hydra then only to move onto Cerberus. How about you?

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules Strangling the Nemean Lion

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules Killing the Giant Cacus to save the cattle

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules Defeating the Centaurs

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules and Nessus

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules Crushing Antaeus

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules Conquering Troy

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules and the Columns of Gades

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

The Labors of Hercules: Hercules Dragging Cerberus from the Underworld

by Hans Sebald Beham, Engraving, 1545

Mosaic with the Labors of Hercules, 3rd century AD, found in Lliria (Valencia), National Archaeological Museum of Spain, Madrid

Now, take a moment to look over the these engravings.

Draw the basic shapes noting black, white and grey also. Just a sketch.
Think about how these myths have impacted your own grief?
Write a short sentence about what you see, notice or what it evokes for you.


The Labors of Hercules are some of the most famous tales from Greek mythology. Hercules would undertake these Labors as an act of penance for the grief he carried. As a young man, Hercules assisted King Creon of Thebes in his war with the Minyans. Later, he married Creon's daughter, Megara.

 
Despite being a son of Zeus, Hercules was not favoured by all of the gods & goddess. Hera, Zeus’ wife had a special hatred for her husband’s son. Hera would persecute Hercules whenever she had the chance and sent the goddess Madness to Thebes. Overtaken by Madness, Heracles kills his own children and possibly his wife. For his "crimes," Hercules is banished from Thebes, and travels to Delphi to consult with the Oracle about how to atone for his actions. The proclamation from the Oracle at Delphi was that Hercules must enter into a period of servitude with King Eurystheus, and perform any task requested hence the Twelve Labors.

We have a long tradition of the griever fighting the Lion, the Hydra, the Hind, the Boar, the Birds, the Bull, the Mares, retrieving the Girdles?, finding Apples and Cattle, and lastly dragging Cerberus back to the underworld, and even feeling humiliation, shame and isolation at the The Stables of Augeas. This myth shows the weight and labor of grief. 

I can tell you, it's never to soon or too late to recover from the pain of grief and it doesn't have to be a relentless burden. Art history, my artist practice and The Grief Recovery Method® have provided me with tools to work with my own grief and I want to share them with you.

I'll be here when you're ready.

Beth 

Beth@robinpress.com

Ring Theory: a grief tool for understanding your place in crisis, conflict or loss.

Kathe Kollwitz, In Memoriam Karl Liebnecht

The world is grieving in a huge way right now for so many different things… But let’s zero in on one big one today... Black lives and black bodies.

The black community is grieving, and they have every right to. How can you be a good support to these grievers? If you are an ally or support person, this is not about you in this moment and DO NOT turn to these grievers to make yourself feel better. Suck it up buttercup! (More resources for understanding privilege and systemic racism at the end of this post.)

After my own losses, many people wanted me or my siblings to comfort them. Just writing that just now sounds crazy! They wanted me to be strong, educate them, and be compassionate for them so they could grieve and move on. While my family and I were, well, GRIEVING. This only left us extra tired and lonely. Honestly, I was angry at people who put my mother’s grief for my father and brother behind their own.

One of the best tools any ally can understand about grief is Ring Theory. This concept was written about by psychologist Susan Silk and her friend Barry Goldman. This simple tool will help determine what part you play in the loss, conflict or crisis.

This is just the basic gest of Ring Theory:

1. Draw a circle. In this circle, write the name of the person or people at the center of the event.

2. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In this ring, put the name of the person next closest to the event.

3. In each larger ring, put the next closest people involved in the event.

The rules are as follows:

1. Anyone in the center of the ring can say anything they want to anyone, anywhere. Kvetching, moaning, complaining, whining, cursing and fist in the air like Bender from The Breakfast Club.

2. This is KEY. Everyone else can use the above list also, but only to people in a larger ring!

3. If you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours or someone closer to the center of circle your role is to HELP, LISTEN, and COMFORT ONLY. Before you open your mouth, think is this going to provide comfort and support. If the answer is no. Let it go. People in the center need comfort and support not your advice or opinion. Things of comfort sound like: “Tell me what happened?” “Can I bring you dinner?” “How can I support you?” Then you really listen, and you commit to doing what you say you will do. You sit right in that moment with them and you hold that vessel of safety so they can take a breath, feel safe and supported. Most of the time people just want to be heard and acknowledged. By doing this their grief will begin to shift.

4.  Don’t change the subject to you and your feelings, advice or this is a bummer. Just don’t be that person. And if you do, then maybe you should admit you’re the wrong person to be here in this moment without more tools on board to help. Fair enough, own that. But if you are the only person there close your mouth, open your heart, and just LISTEN.

5.  If you are anywhere in the circle and you want to scream, cry, complain, whine, or feel the feels, totally cool. Just DO IT with someone in the bigger ring!

The whole point of this ring is to provide comfort to those inside the circle and ripple the dumping to the outside of the circle so everyone along the way is heard and can heal while finding collaborative solutions.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

This is just a start for understanding privilege and systemic racism:

White Fragility – Robin Diangelo

Good Talk – Mira Jacob

So, you want to talk about race – Ijeoma Olou

Me and white supremacy – Layla F. Saad

In this time of great loss...

"Pieta" Michelangelo
1499, St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican, Italy  High Renaissance

Learning to see like an artist can enhance creative solutions to the problems of everyday life, especially during loss or conflict. Looking at examples from art history can sharpen the inherent ability to "see" as humans while unlocking our potential for change.

For 8 weeks, you'll develop skills for noticing elements in art that engages the senses surrounding loss.  I will share rich examples from the art world, simple drawing exercises, creative writing, journaling, and artistic prompts to allow participates to "see" and explore grief differently. Through looking at these images you will find examples of comfort, pain, and inspiration. We will discuss these elements to develop your visual language, perception, and knowledge of art history. Then each week you will have the opportunity to create and share your own reflection while taking away possible inspiration for your own artwork or artist practice.

Send a note to Beth@robinpress.com with your questions or requests and I'll get you signed up.

Please indicate which option you would like to sign up for:

1. 8 week E-course on your own:

At this time, I feel it is important that people have these TOOLS! Pay what you can afford! Seriously, take me up on this... there are great tools, wonderful artwork and history to be discovered. I often charge around $145.00 for this e-course.

2. 8 week Zoom course with me:

8 weekly one-on-one meetings for about an hour. This is $655.00. I provide content, conversation and coaching. You provide your own snacks, open-mind and heart. Also, during COVID, let me know if you want to add one thoughtful and really supportive friend and I will reduce the price to $500.00 each. I believe grievers need community.

Where did 2019 go...

As you can see the blog in 2019 seemed to drop off the edge of the planet...

This amazing collaborator and friend
 Beverly Soasey 

died unexpectedly on September 16, 2018, 

due to a rare, aggressive form of cancer.

She loved to travel and was away on an
artist residence in France when she got the news.

 She has been a huge loss to her family and the community. 

I miss her smile, laugh, grace and abundant creativity.

This is a great video if you want to hang out with her for a moment.


After her loss, I felt I needed to cancel the shows and 

plans we had made for the coming year.
But the studio was not quiet.

It seemed I could hear her pushing me to not be idle...